can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
