her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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