On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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