If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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