I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
