I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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