Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
being pregnant is like rehab
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
