If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he puts the penis in happiness.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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