If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
