3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
