I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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