Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
