dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
