Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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