OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
