Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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