I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
