I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
