eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
