this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
