John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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