all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
