I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
