dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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