Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
