Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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