I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
