we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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