Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
