The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
