nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
