You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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