I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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