jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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