im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
