this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
