and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
