dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
