Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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