I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
