dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
