ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
