That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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