in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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