Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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