Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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