i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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