I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
There's even glitter on my cock...
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