my soul wont recognize me after tonight
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
