Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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