I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
