I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
