"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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