I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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