I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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